How to Stop Being a People Pleaser
Updated: 14 hours ago
Learn to manage your energy and find the right balance
As someone who has experienced the exhaustion, self-doubt and imbalance in relationships that comes from being a people pleaser, I know how easy it is to:
Want to be all things to all people all the time
Fear disappointing others
Avoid saying no for fear of judgement (selfish, uncaring ... [insert unnecessary insult}
Say yes, when we mean no, ignoring our own boundaries and needs
Prioritise the needs of others believing this is generous
Not speak up about things that are important fearing this might burden others
Not seek support thinking this is a small issue!
This is not a small issue
These beliefs keep us trapped in people pleasing behaviours. These behaviours reinforce a lack of mutuality and equality in our relationships. Our experience of relationships over time corrodes our confidence and self-worth. We don't take up our space and resentment builds. Often, others aren't even aware of this - because we don't communicate it!
Signs you're a people pleaser
Recognising you are people pleasing in relationships is the first important step towards change. Here are some common signs:
Agreeing to plans when you don't really want to: You frequently say yes to invitations or requests out of obligation rather than a true desire
Agreeing to help others when you have other priorities: You frequently agree to help others when you have other priorities, or maybe you're just exhausted and need to stop
Avoiding conflict at all costs: You prioritise harmony in relationships and as a consequence, suppress your own needs and feelings to keep the peace [and not surprisingly, are left feeling unheard!]
Feeling responsible for others’ happiness: Others happiness feels genuinely like the most important priority. You feel pain when someone else is upset and you feel guilty when your 'no' creates suffering for them. This can feel unbearable.
Neglecting your own needs: You don't speak up about your own needs and you prioritise everyone else’s [you're often left feeling a deep sense of unfairness but don't track it back to people pleasing].
How to stop people pleasing
The wisdom of the trees provides us with a powerful metaphor.
“Trees maintain an inner balance.
They budget their strength carefully,
and they must be economical with energy
so that they can meet all their needs.”
~ Peter Wohlleben
The wisdom of the trees point towards the idea that gentle care of ourselves and our needs ~ over time and consistently ~ leaves us stronger, fulfilled and in balance. We all crave this, especially in our relationships.
Balance means ...
Balancing our needs with the needs of those around us
Advocating for our needs and others, only where possible
Remembering that others are responsible for their thoughts, feelings and actions. We can of course provide comfort and a listening ear ~ within our limits and capacities.
Balance sometimes looks like bearing others disappointment to maintain our equilibrium.
Budgeting our energy and resources
Care starts with care for 'you'. Only then can we know what energy or resources we have to offer care to others
Be discerning about when and where we say yes
Carefully consider our priorities before jumping in to help others with theirs.
Speak up about your needs
Speaking up about our needs makes us feel we matter
Time to rest is not being selfish - it's taking care of our need to slow down
Saying no 'in general' is not selfish - it's honestly managing what we have to give and then giving authentically when we're able
Conflict averted at the cost of our inner peace is not sustainable. We need to have a voice and learn how to negotiate boundaries with others. They appreciate respect and appreciate it, if not immediately, in time.
Actions you can take today:
Say no more often: This can be challenging but saying no is essential at times for setting boundaries
Manage your energy levels: Take stock of your energy and be mindful of what you have available. Make it a habit to recharge and restore regularly. Encourage those around you to do the same.
Be discerning about goals: Set realistic goals in your life that allow you to protect some time and energy just for you. This prevents burnout and sends a deep message to yourself that you're worth caring for.
Reach out for support: Don't hesitate to lean on your support networks when you need a little extra care. It’s okay to ask for help. Our friends often love to care for us just as much as we do them.
Prioritise your changing needs: There are times in life when we have less capacity and times when we are floating along and have a little more to give. It is a gracious act of self-love to check in with your changing needs throughout life to adapt to them as you need to maintain balance.
Cultivating Self-Compassion
People pleasing often stems from a lack of self-compassion. Commit to cultivating kindness towards yourself.
Mindfulness practices: Engage in meditation or just sitting quietly with yourself to connect to your inner life. We deeply get to know ourselves through this precious time away from the world.
Positive self-talk: Challenge negative thoughts. Most of us would never say the horrid things we say to ourselves to others in our lives. Speak kindly to yourself. You're trying with all that you've got and doing your best. Go gently.
Journal: Writing down your feelings, most specifically the negative ones, provides the space we sometimes need to find a balanced, more true perspective on things.
As you begin this journey, remember that growth takes time. It's okay to have setbacks; what matters is your commitment to yourself. With healthy boundaries, balance and discernment you can continue to be the generous and caring person you are and feel deeply proud of what you bring to your relationships. This is a beautiful and necessary behaviour we all need.
Moving Forward
I hope this helps you begin to cultivate a new relationship with the people pleaser part of you. Discovering a more balanced and loving approach to your life is a process well worth investing in.
If you would like a supportive coach on the sidelines in your recovery from the devastating personal impacts of people pleasing, get in touch with me today. Remember, embracing change is a journey worth taking, and you don’t have to do it alone.
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