ADHD in Relationships

ADHD Strengths

ADHD brings with it incredible strengths that really do add to life ~ spontaneity; fun; passion; enthusiasm; creativity; honesty; intense emotions; forgiveness; resilience; hyper focus; courage; out-of-the-box thinking .... and so much more.

ADHD Challenges

It also comes with its challenges ~ the impacts of forgetting things; difficulty paying attention to the boring stuff; big emotions, too fast; time blindness; impulsivity and the many ways it manifests (non-negotiated purchases, ideas actioned without discussion); and the increased risk of addictions ... and others i'm sure you're across.

ADHD in relationships

We can all relate to many of these things at times, of course, but with ADHD they can be amplified and impact both partners more intensely.

Through my work with neurodivergent couples I have found it so helpful to get explicit about these differences from a place of open curiosity. ADHD-specific differences rumble in the background (and often loudly in the foreground) and can create unhealthy dynamics. ADHD can often be blamed as 'the problem'.

The most common dynamic I see playing out in relationships where ADHD is present is what we might call the 'parent / child' dynamic.

The non-ADHD partner (parent role) often feels burdened by the mental load of life admin and the need to constantly remind the ADHD partner of their responsibilities. The ADHD partner (child role) feels nagged at and consistently feels like they're in trouble, letting their partner down, despite very sincere intentions to follow through. It shows up in many other examples, some of which you may already be living.

Love is a verb and the actions of love ask that we actively learn about one other, negotiate our differences and deeply accept each another for who we are - whatever label (or not) we come with

ADHD and rejection sensitivity

As the ADHD partner it's likely you have a history littered with experiences of being misunderstood, feeling you let people down and excluded. Childhood may have been a struggle to fit into ‘systems’ - school, friendship groups, family and the work place. This can have a devastating impact on your self-esteem and feeling of inclusion. Many ADHD adults say to me they feel like they're somehow just not 'adulting' properly. All this sets you up for a level of sensitivity to feedback, criticism and rejection. Understandably!

As the non-ADHD person you can experience your partner's lack of follow through as a lack of care or love for you. Giving them feedback can feel fraught as you may fear your partner will bring their big feels ~ quickly ~ and small issues can become big very quickly. This cycle can repeat, making you less likely to raise issues, sending your unmet needs underground.

When you embark on a joint mission in your relationship to understand what you each bring, you nurture the personal growth and self-esteem of the two people in it. Here are some helpful areas to begin to focus on:

• Mutual acceptance and patience - with more awareness of ADHD-related relationship dynamics, you can hold your assumptions lightly; remember the good intentions of your partner; and be willing to learn healthier negotiation and communication strategies that work for both of you

• ADHD strategies – learn strategies for managing daily life that plays to your strengths. Carry equal responsibility in creative ways - rather than a 50%/50% split, are there things you each do well / more easily, you can take charge of that bring a sense of equality and mutuality

• Conflict – learn strategies to regulate heightened emotions so you foster open communication and issues don't go unsaid and become resentment

• Communication - commit to learning healthier ways to communicate and negotiate so you both feel you can fully bring yourself into the relationship space

• Commit to Shared Change - commit to a more mindful and intentional relationship. These strategies are a wonderful place to start. Couples therapy with someone who understands ADHD can be a gift to your relationship.

In all relationships, we need to shift out of assumptions and step instead into curiosity about one another. We all bring our unique messiness and deserve to feel seen for who we are and appreciated for what we bring.

If you have ADHD in your relationship and need extra support from a couples therapist who understands ADHD, you can book in with me here.